I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
