Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
