just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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