a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
