Moan for me like Helen Keller
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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