does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
