My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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