We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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