When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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