pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
