I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
