went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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