From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
