I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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