Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
