When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize