it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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