I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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