I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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