I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
