Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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