my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize