Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
