Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
