I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize