I just made out with a guy for $7.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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