I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
