i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
