maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
