im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
FUCK WHALES
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
