Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My ass is underappreciated
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
