I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
