how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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