WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
