Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
