YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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