2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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