My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
