I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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