Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
