I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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