i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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