Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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