U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
