Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
