I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm at about main and main street
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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