I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
