Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
