Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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