babies were throwing up all over the place
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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