A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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