She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
