I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
