I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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