Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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