Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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