fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
