so that wasnt chicken after all
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
