he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
