I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
