i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
