Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
