you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
