so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
