I murdered the dance floor call the cops
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I AM VODKA MAN
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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